I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It was confusing and full of hummus
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
