I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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