if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
