Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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