Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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