That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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