where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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