Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
