Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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