It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
