I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
