I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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