Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
