toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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