Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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