you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
