I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
