god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
