you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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