the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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