21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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