Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
