matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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