It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
