fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
