I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
