You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
