Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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