Pants 0. Shit 1.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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