alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
