I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
