tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
you never un-have a 4some
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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