Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
