Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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