i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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