OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
