He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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