i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
