You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
