My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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