I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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