when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
