im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
