Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
