you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
