youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
