her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
