Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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