I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
