gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
