Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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