I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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