Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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