Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
