it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize