We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
